I finally get it. “Love, actually IS all around.”
A few months back, I thought my heart had broken. Oh, I knew that I would love again and that I would champion on and that I would be just fine. Fine. But MAN that hurt. I mean…wow. Physical pain. And I couldn’t control it. What the fuck was up with that? That was not acceptable. That needed to stop. I started to look around for a way to make it stop. I searched. I am still searching. I read and read and practiced and tried and believed and breathed and let go.
Now I see. I’ve had it…all along. It just took a flashlight in the dark to bring it to light.
I was hunting for the elusive Unread Message in my Inbox (that stupid little “1” sitting there taunting me was starting to drive me crazy. It kept tricking me into thinking I had a new text when it’s really just an old one buried in there somewhere that I’d probably already read and just didn’t open. Order must be restored), so I was reading my text messages in reverse – starting with the most recent ones first and scrolling backward. I immediately started laughing at the hilariousness of some of my dorky friends and smiling at the memory of getting a particular text. It wasn’t just what the message said, but the memory of where I was and how I felt when I read it. And it started to work on my memory like a slideshow. Like scenes from a movie. All the big things that are a haze to me now. All the fun little memories along the way. All the important and romantic first texts, when it was still a phone number and not a name. The first time he told you that he missed you. The heartwarming text from a faraway friend immediately after parting ways. She could probably still see me when she sent it. The hellos. The goodbyes.
I noticed that reading was having an effect on my heart rate a little. I started getting emotional. I was taken aback by the amount of sincerity and concern in each message…and there were messages from SO many different people. And at different times. There were so many that were just dripping with love. Offers of support. Encouragement. Quotes. Jokes. And love. Oh my god so much it makes me cry. I am so loved. Every minute of every day, these people love me. And they tell me when I need to hear it. They are there for me the minute I need them to be. And they love fiercely. And the sheer number of them is astonishing. My family. My friends. Old loves. New loves.
I can say that once I believed that there was one love for each person. I have been searching for that person my entire life. I am still searching. A lifelong pursuit of love. I certainly welcome more…and when he’s ready he can just come along and find me. But in the meantime, I’ve found it. In the form of a couple handfuls of really amazing people. I’ve found love…and in the infamous words of the eternal Steve Perry “it was with me all the while.”
A few months back, I thought my heart had broken. Oh, I knew that I would love again and that I would champion on and that I would be just fine. Fine. But MAN that hurt. I mean…wow. Physical pain. And I couldn’t control it. What the fuck was up with that? That was not acceptable. That needed to stop. I started to look around for a way to make it stop. I searched. I am still searching. I read and read and practiced and tried and believed and breathed and let go.
Now I see. I’ve had it…all along. It just took a flashlight in the dark to bring it to light.
I was hunting for the elusive Unread Message in my Inbox (that stupid little “1” sitting there taunting me was starting to drive me crazy. It kept tricking me into thinking I had a new text when it’s really just an old one buried in there somewhere that I’d probably already read and just didn’t open. Order must be restored), so I was reading my text messages in reverse – starting with the most recent ones first and scrolling backward. I immediately started laughing at the hilariousness of some of my dorky friends and smiling at the memory of getting a particular text. It wasn’t just what the message said, but the memory of where I was and how I felt when I read it. And it started to work on my memory like a slideshow. Like scenes from a movie. All the big things that are a haze to me now. All the fun little memories along the way. All the important and romantic first texts, when it was still a phone number and not a name. The first time he told you that he missed you. The heartwarming text from a faraway friend immediately after parting ways. She could probably still see me when she sent it. The hellos. The goodbyes.
I noticed that reading was having an effect on my heart rate a little. I started getting emotional. I was taken aback by the amount of sincerity and concern in each message…and there were messages from SO many different people. And at different times. There were so many that were just dripping with love. Offers of support. Encouragement. Quotes. Jokes. And love. Oh my god so much it makes me cry. I am so loved. Every minute of every day, these people love me. And they tell me when I need to hear it. They are there for me the minute I need them to be. And they love fiercely. And the sheer number of them is astonishing. My family. My friends. Old loves. New loves.
I can say that once I believed that there was one love for each person. I have been searching for that person my entire life. I am still searching. A lifelong pursuit of love. I certainly welcome more…and when he’s ready he can just come along and find me. But in the meantime, I’ve found it. In the form of a couple handfuls of really amazing people. I’ve found love…and in the infamous words of the eternal Steve Perry “it was with me all the while.”
2 comments:
You're so right. This post made me smile, because I do the same thing, from time to time. Just read my old saved texts and know that love is indeed all around.
xo. let's get together soon.
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